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Comedy


[Comedy] @kevinseccia Not saying my attention span is shot but there was a 26 second clip of never before seen footage from the surface of another planet and at the 10 second mark I was like “I think I get it” and just swiped it away. Published:2/24/2021 4:52:06 AM
[Comedy] @monomaniiia animes be named like “Pink Confetti Cake Surprise” and then it’s psychological horror Published:2/24/2021 2:53:45 AM
[Comedy] @jamiewithorne My middle school teacher who yelled that “Wikipedia wasn’t a reliable source” every day is sharing vaccine conspiracy theories on Facebook. Published:2/19/2021 10:16:21 AM
[Comedy] @dodgonkulator why do they still even make porn it's been done to death. "ohh what's gonna happen in this one" take a wild fucking guess. idiot Published:2/18/2021 2:53:50 AM
[Comedy] @MelissatheDuffy I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance Published:2/10/2021 1:16:46 PM
[Comedy] @50FirstTates asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life Published:2/6/2021 9:18:22 AM
[Comedy] @Toolie__xo Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time. Published:2/2/2021 1:48:14 AM
[Comedy] @Dansplainer the sopranos is so cool i wish italians were real Published:1/30/2021 4:00:56 AM
[Comedy] @randypaint i feel bad for boomers. their parents taught them rules like “wearing a hat at the dinner table is rude” and they were too stupid to be like what that makes no fucking sense at all Published:1/27/2021 5:46:26 AM
[Comedy] @TweetXan_ Dropped a girl home after arguing and when she got out I was patiently waiting for the car door to SLAM. The slam never came, she just left the door wide open, I had to get out and close it myself like a taxi man Published:1/27/2021 3:09:26 AM
[Comedy] @MaryElMcCoy My kid thought that “swearing in” meant Joe Biden was going to stand at a podium on Wednesday and reel off all the curse words he knows. He’s understandably a little disappointed now. Published:1/24/2021 11:51:29 AM
[Comedy] @michaelianblack In the last year, I've eaten in a restaurant fewer times than the president has been impeached. Published:1/20/2021 6:58:29 AM
[Comedy] @abbygov I took out $15,000 of student loans and since I graduate last May I repaid $2,000 and now I am so glad to share that I only have $15,633 left to pay Published:1/17/2021 1:32:45 PM
[Comedy] @Bisserat I don’t know who needs to hear this but throw away that box your iPhone came in. You don’t need it. You will never need it. Published:1/15/2021 10:45:39 PM
[Comedy] ‘Call of the Sea’: Strictly for hardcore puzzlers “Call of the Sea'' will be welcomed by those who enjoy a challenging puzzle game with a matinee feel of familiarity and extravagance. For those of us with less patience, there are other ways to spend our time. Published:1/15/2021 10:45:38 PM
[Comedy] @roastmalone_ Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry Published:1/12/2021 12:03:01 PM
[Comedy] New Yorker cover captures a nation’s mourning after Capitol riot Artist Edel Rodriguez draws upon his view of the American Dream as a Cuban immigrant. Published:1/9/2021 1:34:06 AM
[Comedy] @stuckonmaia “Yo password weak” well so is my memory so plz let me keep it Published:1/6/2021 8:29:32 AM
[Comedy] @NoSinGang You’re telling me this entire Siberian Orchestra is trans? Published:1/3/2021 2:11:52 PM
[Comedy] @IndecisiveJones one of the most unrealistic parts of home alone is two guys in their forties managing to get back up after falling down stairs Published:1/1/2021 1:28:32 PM
[Comedy] @TrueTorontoGirl Sorry for stabbing you. I was thirsty and thought you were a capri sun. Published:12/31/2020 9:21:50 AM
[Comedy] ‘Calvin and Hobbes’ said goodbye 25 years ago. Here’s why Bill Watterson’s masterwork enchants us still. “Calvin and Hobbes” sledded away for the last time Dec. 31, 1995 but is still influential today. Published:12/31/2020 9:21:50 AM
[Comedy] @AblueUs When someone tells me they are a Christian. I ask, Classic Jesus or Republican Jesus? Published:12/26/2020 10:59:51 AM
[Comedy] How Patty Jenkins turned ‘Wonder Woman 1984' into a personal Washington story The "Wonder Woman 1984" director summons her memories of her time in D.C. as a teenager while speaking to our modern political times. Published:12/25/2020 5:04:24 AM
[Comedy] @lostblackboy An AirBnB accused me of stealing a laptop from her home. It’s offensive for a lot of reasons, but mostly because she accused me of stealing a Dell. Published:12/23/2020 2:50:21 AM
[Comedy] Kemp Powers’s long journey to becoming Pixar’s first Black writer-director After a childhood tragedy, Powers became a Howard University writing star and then a journalist before finding his voice in entertainment. Published:12/21/2020 5:07:10 AM
[Comedy] @JenniDigital Its has become very clear to me why the 1918 pandemic was followed by the roaring 20s & why people were dressing up to go just about anywhere Published:12/18/2020 11:18:48 AM
[Comedy] @internetanja kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again Published:12/15/2020 10:07:53 AM
[Comedy] Voteflake

Anyone who protests the results of the 2020 US Presidential Election without any proof or evidence and refuses to recognize Joe Biden as the 46th President of the United States of America.

After over 50 cases brought before, and thrown out of, US courts, including the Supreme Court, hundreds of Trump supporters, claiming to be a million supporters, continued to cry and protest and chant outside the White House, like a bunch of voteflakes.

Published:12/15/2020 10:07:53 AM
[Comedy] @carterhambley when twins arent identical im like ok then what was the point of all that Published:12/14/2020 5:05:34 AM
[Comedy] @bananafitz every retail worker should be allowed to murder one (1) customer during holiday season. i've been saying this for years. it works because its not an excessive amount of murder, but customers wont know which retail worker has already used up their annual murder. Published:12/10/2020 10:28:35 AM
[Comedy] @corietjohnson one time i made my barbie write a suicide note (to ken) when i was 7 or 8 and then my mom was like ... “this is creative” instead of medicating me Published:12/9/2020 11:45:53 AM
[Comedy] 21

The age at which one is finally considered human.

Published:12/9/2020 2:13:50 AM
[Comedy] @pennymacker My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood. Published:12/7/2020 9:07:11 AM
[Comedy] @video_jame "i will not be manipulated in my own fucking house" i shout as i reach for my cat's treats again Published:12/7/2020 8:32:27 AM
[Comedy] @reallifemommy3 December, when Jewish parents live in terror that their child will reveal the truth about Santa at school Published:12/3/2020 4:34:55 AM
[Comedy] fuck donald trump

Fuck Donald trump, AKA the worst president ever.

"Man fuck Donald trump, he wants to build a wall and don't pay taxes!!"

Published:12/1/2020 2:19:36 AM
[Comedy] motherhood statement

A platitude verbal contribution to a group, to show you are alpha, but has little or no value, and provides no constructive solution, only talk. Manager that have no skills, but have a well paid position, often do the mother statement talk. Who else can waste the time of experts and not be chastised for it?

Appointed Boss-man: We cannot go forward with these production inefficiencies.

Engineer: Thanks for that motherhood statement, we're golden now!

Published:12/1/2020 12:19:01 AM
[Comedy] @video_jame it's my dream interview at nasa. "how are ur programming skills" they ask. "out of this world" i nervously joke. the walls shake. the interviewer starts convulsing. several engineers run in and write math on me with sharpies. i begin to levitate Published:11/30/2020 1:37:45 AM
[Comedy] @ellorysmith everybody in America thinks they could one day become a billionaire but nobody thinks they could get covid Published:11/27/2020 5:52:36 AM
[Comedy] Smooth Brain

A stupid person; it refers to the lack of surface area on an individual's brain. The general thought is that the more surface area (wrinkles, creases, etc.) a brain has, the smarter the person is. Conversely, a person with a smooth brain (no wrinkles) has less surface area and would therefore be stupid.

That fucking smooth brain put his shirt on backwards again...

That smooth brain is dumber than a pile of shit.

Published:11/27/2020 2:21:29 AM
[Comedy] microcough

A tiny, almost imperceptible cough, usually hidden behind a mask due to; emphysema, asthma, allergies or the dreaded COVID, so as not to alarm others to your potential of being “the infected.”

I was walking through the grocery store and I had a tickle in my throat but I didn’t want people to think I was contagious so I let out a microcough.

Published:11/26/2020 2:14:14 AM
[Comedy] @dilemmalord i'm already so annoyed that my grandkids are going to be interviewing me for book reports on the 2020 pandemic expecting me to be profound and i'm gonna have to be like "i spent all the whole thing sending friends tiktok links against their will and eating cake and crying" Published:11/24/2020 10:03:44 AM
[Comedy] Take a Trump

A massive dump that takes 10 to 15 times to flush.

After Thanksgiving, I had to Take a Trump.

Published:11/23/2020 2:53:37 AM
[Comedy] @DrakeGatsby I am a REAL MAN. I use terms like BETA and ALPHA because I am a WOLF and my boys are my WOLF PACK. I sleep OUTSIDE and HOWL at the MOON my FAMILY has EXCOMMUNICATED me. I ate BEAR MEAT and now I have TRICHINOSIS please call an AMBULANCE. Published:11/20/2020 10:14:43 AM
[Comedy] @kibblesmith How am I supposed to concentrate when I do not wish to and there are no immediate rewards Published:11/20/2020 9:15:35 AM
[Comedy] @RobbyActually Listening to my grandpa complain about canceling student loan debt because he worked really hard to pay off his college tuition in *checks notes* one summer Published:11/19/2020 2:59:40 AM
[Comedy] Apocalypsing

Treating every relationship like it’s your last and getting super serious with someone you just started dating.

Person 1: who tf is that new chick w alex?
Person 2: idk he's been apocalypsing like crazy

Published:11/18/2020 2:37:33 AM
[Comedy] @brittany_broski when I die bury my notes app w me. I’d sooner die than have anybody read what’s in that bitch Published:11/12/2020 12:00:57 PM
[Comedy] Published:11/10/2020 10:42:17 AM
[Comedy] @humanaaron [first day as a negotiator] me: ok Published:11/8/2020 4:37:32 AM
[Comedy] How cartoons are spoofing Trump’s heated reaction to the election results From "stop the count" to legal challenges, political artists find much to satirize this week. Published:11/7/2020 2:47:21 PM
[Comedy] ‘Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales’: Like its movie counterparts, a confident and entertaining spectacle “Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales” will likely be remembered as 2020’s most ingratiating family-friendly video game. Published:11/6/2020 9:52:05 AM
[Comedy] @randypaint [guy about to invent mint chocolate] *eating ice cream* u know what this needs. toothpaste. Published:11/5/2020 11:26:11 PM
[Comedy] you're fired

A term coined by Donald Trump on his show "The Apprentice" even though bosses used it all the time before. Now anyone who watched five minutes of it thinks it's THE ABSOLUTE SHIT and uses it to say "YOU SUCK!" or "LOSER!" or something of the sort.

You're fired!
You suck!
Loser!

Published:11/3/2020 5:26:22 AM
[Comedy] Gen C

The generation born after January 1st 2020, preceeding Gen Z. Named after the viral Corona Virus, this generation is destined for a life of turmoil and confusion. The social distancing Covid-19 brought us will likely make this generation even more socially awkward than Gen Z. They've been born into a world tangled with problems and chaos, so lets do our best to welcone them with open arms... From 6 feet away.

"Those Gen C kids seen awfully weird and quiet, corona virus ruined those kids."

Published:11/1/2020 1:26:26 AM
[Comedy] @souIspyre The first act of racism my brother ever experienced was my dad filming the wrong asian boy during his whole school play Published:10/31/2020 9:53:27 AM
[Comedy] lolsob

1. acronym for Laugh Out Loud + sob -- an expression for something that makes you lol and cry at the same time.

2. acronym for Laugh Out Loud, Son of a Bitch. An expression of bitter anger over something funny.

That fatal clown car accident made me lolsob-- clown cars are funny but my best friend was driving.

Published:10/31/2020 2:17:22 AM
[Comedy] sack tap

A trick played on a fellow athlete where the open hand smacks the target's testicles with the knuckles in a sharp, wrist flicking motion.

"Dude, I sack tapped Brandon, and now he has the whole team trying to sack tap me"

Published:10/30/2020 2:09:58 AM
[Comedy] sneaky link

When you meet with someone without anyone knowing except you and the person.

Sneaky link me and mark

Published:10/29/2020 2:16:44 AM
[Comedy] @LittleMissAngr1 you're not allowed to manipulate me. you're not my cat Published:10/28/2020 10:16:36 PM
[Comedy] A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles co-creator has a long-lost story to tell. And it gets pretty dark. Kevin Eastman has revived "The Last Ronin," an idea he helped conceive in 1987, before TMNT took off. Published:10/28/2020 5:00:53 AM
[Comedy] Trump Fluffer

a Feckless, Shameless, Coward whose purpose in Life is to please Donald J. Trump with Oral Praise and Bullshit Compliments. ( Noun ).

Lindsey Graham is a consummate Trump Fluffer.

Published:10/28/2020 3:00:54 AM
[Comedy] voter fatigue

1 Condition that occurs when you're waiting in a long line to vote because the state doesn't provide enough polling places for voters.

This long line at the polling station is giving me a clear case of voter fatigue

Published:10/26/2020 2:21:50 AM
[Comedy] @solomongeorgio I don’t care about celebrity gossip. Give me small scale gossip. I want to know why the night shift employees at Kohl’s are mad at each other Published:10/23/2020 2:18:11 AM
[Comedy] @joshgondelman "Monotony" comes from the Italian phrase meaning "just one Tony," which is slang for a dull situation in Italy. Published:10/21/2020 1:56:56 PM
[Comedy] How a Pepe the Frog movie speaks powerfully to this moment in divisive American politics "Feels Good Man," which won a Sundance prize and now arrives on PBS, is about trying to take back the character of Pepe the Frog, while also reclaiming our reality. Published:10/21/2020 12:26:42 PM
[Comedy] @Average_Dad1 What did people do before alarm clocks? Just go to bed like “hope I wake up in time for work tomorrow” Published:10/19/2020 4:40:18 PM
[Comedy] ‘Amnesia: Rebirth’: A dark fantasy game that allows players to get their hands dirty "Amnesia: Rebirth" is a fine example of why the Swedish development studio Frictional Games is among the more notable storytellers at work in the gaming industry. Published:10/19/2020 4:40:18 PM
[Comedy] Sonequa Martin-Green stars in a future she hopes one day can be a reality “I actually do believe that the story of 'Star Trek' is in a post-racial world," Martin-Green says. Published:10/15/2020 5:06:20 AM
[Comedy] @_HSOJOSH I get so offended when my mom doesn’t answer my calls. Like HELLO, it’s your pride and joy calling... ANSWER!!! Published:10/14/2020 4:06:34 PM
[Comedy] @ittybittywhore Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files bc it’s boring Published:10/9/2020 1:29:05 PM
[Comedy] @autogynefiles therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session Published:10/7/2020 4:58:20 AM
[Comedy] @Buffalojilll I'm not an adult. I'm a child that has automatic bill payments set up. Published:10/6/2020 4:13:18 PM
[Comedy] How political cartoonists took on the tricky task of commenting on Trump’s covid-19 case From super-spreader events to Walter Reed to Trump's tweets, here is how artists sized up the situation. Published:10/6/2020 4:13:17 PM
[Comedy] @DrakeGatsby Don’t be afraid of SUCCESS. I was down to my last $100 in my bank account and did I use it to buy food? Pay rent? NO! I INVESTED it and now I have $63.47. Published:10/4/2020 3:48:01 PM
[Comedy] Thoughts and prayers

I couldn’t care less (but one must keep up appearances, right?)

Frenemy has a family tragedy. "Thoughts and prayers."

Published:10/3/2020 2:29:47 AM
[Comedy] Trump Lung

An appropriate nickname for CoViD-19, aka the novel coronavirus that has led to a worldwide pandemic. Named after Trump to mark his monumental malfeasance which will result in at least hundreds of thousands of deaths in the U.S.

Bob's in the hospital, he caught a case of Trump Lung.

Published:10/2/2020 2:24:28 AM
[Comedy] @jackies_backie I don’t get it when I see skinny people running..... aren’t you done??? Published:9/30/2020 2:33:00 AM
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